As I Like It

I wrote this for a school assignment. Andrew is a character in As You Like It, one of Shakespeare's comedies. I was supposed to create a short story of Andrew's old girlfriend and how she broke up with him. This was the result. PLEASE don't copy my work. Thaaanks.

Dorris, mindlessly walking along with a dandelion in her hand. Carelessly throws it over her shoulder after picking off its petals. It hits Andrew square between the eyes.

ANDREW: Say there,

DORRIS: mindlessly Oh, sorry dear.

Andrew sighs

DORRIS: Andrew, darling, do stop sighing. Honestly, you do worry me so, whatever is wrong? Oh, have you heard of John? Susan told me just the other day how he fell terribly ill, and she could tell he was going down on account of his pale face. And I do fancy, you look quite pale. Are you well deary?

Andrew hesitates. He is obviously slightly flustered.

ANDREW: Dorris, I assure you I am quite fine. I woke up this morn with a twinkle in mine eye and not an ache in my body. The birds sang their songs as an entrance song just for me, and the sun gleefully lit my humble abode. Indeed, quite the only thing lacking at the present are fulfilling victuals. I don’t know that you have heard, but my stomach has been quite unhappy for the past hour thence. Nothing would quite hit the spot like a roast beast and some ground mush with perhaps a trifle of gelatin and whipped topping to finish off the entrée. What say we acquit our journey and stop for a time and a morsel?

DORRIS: Oh. So…you’re…hungry?

ANDREW: But of course, my dear. A man lives not by love alone.

Dorris faces him square.

DORRIS: So. I see how it is. Your stomach comes before your love.

ANDREW: No, my sweet, you misunderstand. I—

DORRIS: No, no! Not another word. You say you love me. You call me beautiful. But you’re a liar; a stone-faced liar! You say we should acquit to eat. To cut our stroll short in order to fulfill your current physical ‘obligations’. Don’t you hear it? You decide to quit on what has an enduring effect on our relationship for but a temporal feeling of mere hunger? Who are you? What are you? Are you the Andrew I fell for? Yes, but I am the fool. I thought you were different than the other crumbs. I thought you were something special. But you would trade food for love! Oh!

ANDREW: Dorris, my love! My sweet! My beautiful! My darling! You musn’t say such things! You know I love you! But I am faint, and must consume to fulfill this void that—

DORRIS: OH! Stop! As if I am not enough for you. My love, my attention, cannot fill the void within you. I’ll have you know, you pig, that I’ve turned down Sir William, Duke Henry, and Prince James for you. FOR YOU! And this, THIS how you repay me?! I could have been a Lady, Duchess, or Princess! My sacrifice is in vain! That which I wish I knew! Well consume this, you snipe. Andrew and Dorris are done! I hereby declare this relationship null and void, stripped of all affection and desire. I wish to never see your nasty face again!

Dorris storms off, Andrew faces audience

ANDREW: And just like that, I lose my love,

My darling angel and precious dove.

Oh that I wish I had held my tongue

Or that she wouldn’t be so high strung.

Old Andrew gets what he deserves

For being in want of sweet hors d’ouevres.

So ladies I warn you as to what I have shown

That man cannot live by love alone.