Confession 1

I was saved very very young, at around four years old. I remember hearing a song about wanting to "see Jesus", and as far as I knew, I wanted to see Him too. So my mom explained to me about sin, Jesus and the cross; the whole nine yards. I remember praying the best I knew how to be saved.

I grew up in the church, doing my best to "check off all items on the lists" that various children's ministries gave us. Say your scripture, sing your hymns, advance in AWANA, etc.. At middle school camp as a rising 6th grader, I learned that a relationship with Jesus is much more than a list, and I recommitted my life there.

I am not at all trying to throw down the things the Children's Ministry and Middle School have us do such as AWANA, Sunday School, Choir, Quiet Time, etc.. As a matter of fact, I think it gave me an excellent foundation. It's just that sometimes, you can get so caught up in doing those things, that you forget why you're doing it in the first place.

Middle School still had lists, but this time, I found that I actually wanted to do it for the sake of doing it, as opposed to doing it to get an award at the end of the year. Still, I struggled with doubt as to whether or not my salvation experience was genuine or not.

It seemed like the more I grew, doubts would return more often. I'm starting to think that the farther along in your relationship you are, you are either convicted of wrong-doing faster, or your conviction is stronger when you get it. Perhaps it was merely conviction that kept me wondering, "Am I really saved? After all, if I'm saved, I wouldn't be feeling guilty and doubting all the time, right?"

At any rate, I found myself periodically praying "safety prayers", you know, "Dear God, just in case I'm not saved...." I was hesitant to talk to anyone about it. I'm usually hesitant to talk to any SS teachers or people like that about spiritual issues unless it's someone I REALLY trust. Trust issues tend to be--an issue, sometimes.

Doubts kept coming and going; come to think of it, I don't think they'll ever stop coming. I didn't want to "walk" on some church camp or mission trip; I don't like being "swept away" with the crowd. One Sunday, when Dr. Hill was preaching, I just decided to get it off my chest.

The counselor shared about Satan always trying to stop us with doubt. She also mentioned that there could be some unconfessed sin in my life. She was right. I think there will always be unconfessed sin, but with this particular sin, I knew it was a sin-yet I kept on doing it. But regardless of sin, if you are saved and living for the Lord, Satan still wants you, and will do anything to tear you apart. Doubt is one of the tactics he uses, and my mind tends to be a weak spot for me.

When I got home, I took a minute to look over the process of salvation again, and that gave me the assurance that I was saved, because I remember understanding, repenting, and accepting. One thing that boggles me sometimes is that it's so--easy. With salvation, I don't have to do anything, but believe and accept. Because it's so simple, it causes me to wonder, "Is that really it?" And then the question turns into, "Did I mean it enough?" But like the counselor shared, the proof comes from your life. Do I love my brothers and sisters? Do I have a desire to grow and know God more? Do I have a desire to please Him? Do I want to tell others of this man named Jesus I know?

Sometimes I wonder if I was saved when I was four, or when I prayed one of those safety prayers. I mean, could I, at four years old, really, truly understand it and mean it? I think so, because it is that simple.